Tidbits – Unraveling Relationships.

Relationships thrive when they enter the realms of total trust. It is the journey during the initial phase of a relationship, when it needs careful handling and constant nurturing to build that trust, that we focus on to unravel what makes or breaks it.

There are two forces at work during the building phase of a relationship that influences the amount of trust in the relationship – the Strength of Commitment and the perceived Pain of Compromise. The fact that there is an attempt to create, build, nurture and mature a relationship inherently means there is commitment at work and a realization that there is adjustments and common ground to be reached (hence the compromise parameter). It is in the magnitude and the balance (or imbalance) of the two forces, that the direction the relationship takes, is determined.

(Strength of Commitment) > (Pain of Compromise) = INCREASED TRUST

(Strength of Commitment) < (Pain of Compromise) = DECREASED TRUST

Relationships thrive when the strength of commitment, consistently and cumulatively, overpowers the pain of compromise. And they fall apart when the perceived pain of compromise is overbearing and eats into the strength of commitment. This is simple to understand because trust is the basis or the lowest common denominator in relationships and the quantum and magnitude of its presence determines strength of relationships.

What is also important to acknowledge is the presence of these forces and the fact that they are essential ingredients. If there were to be no perceived pain or compromise, a relationship would never have been tested. The fact that it has never been tested would breed doubt. And doubt obviously has an inverse correlation with trust. And an absence of commitment would entirely threaten the existence of a relationship in the first place.

The strength of commitment can be directly worked upon by sheer resolve. The pain of compromise can only be lessened indirectly by the acknowledgement of its existence and awareness of the arithmetic presented above.

Tidbits – It is a level playing field, it’s just not yours.

A level playing field is not about everyone having the same probability of success but about everyone playing by the same rules. The choice of the playing field, the game and its rules, are however, seldom in your hands (if they are, wait up, it’ll change sooner or later!). On this front it invariably is, ‘To each their own’, and you are not part of that equation! And if they get to choose their playing field, you need to play by their rules. Well, at least if you want to play!

To illustrate the point, you cannot appeal to the conscience of a snake or rationally negotiate a deal with a lion just as you cannot confront people with a stick to achieve your objectives. The field, the game and the rules are theirs. You can choose not to play. But if you do choose to play, and there is something to be won, you need to beat them at their game.

Tip of the day – What you sow is what you reap!

What goes around comes around. Most people know it does. Few believe it will make a difference. They perceive the probability, of the time period between the going around and the coming around being small enough to affect them anytime soon, as being really low. Simply put, the cause-effect cycle time is too high to affect their lives, in a larger sense, as they know it today.

This is neither entirely true nor untrue. To understand that, you need to look at two paradigms of cause-effects that drive behavior and are based on the cycle times involved.

One is the ‘Action-Reaction’ paradigm that represents the shorter cycle cause-effects. To cite some examples, ‘break a traffic rule and get a violation ticket’, ‘if you are unpleasant to someone in a situation, expect that demeanor to be thrown right back at you’ etc. In fact any kind of instant gratification, that is the norm these days, would be this category. This is fairly easy to deal with and understand since it has a near-immediate feedback loop. It helps people to self-correct and avoid (now-known) pitfalls on a constant basis. This paradigm can be dealt with, almost entirely, through knowledge and practice.

The second category is the ‘Choice-Outcome’ paradigm of longer cycle cause-effects. The feedback loops are spread out over a much longer part of one’s life. Examples could be people’s risk-reward profile, health hazards arising out of addictions and abuse, career and life choices etc. The effects of the choices made are unlikely to be known in the short-term and the feedback loop could be, at times, even in several years. This is a wisdom and self-awareness paradigm in contrast to knowledge and practice and is experiential in nature. A lot of wisdom, no wonder, comes from hindsight.

There is no problem when each category is recognized for what it is. The problem arises when we expect desired effects of the ‘choice-outcome’ paradigm in the ‘action-reaction’ timeframe and we see none coming. Or the corollary - concluding on the outcome on the basis of some undesired intermediate effects.

Our behavior is greatly influenced by how we deal with these paradigms. Both are equally important and it is necessary to be in balance. You could easily get lost in day-to-day transactions and miss the big picture focusing overly on the ‘action-reaction’ paradigm. This is about a lot of action without direction. It would be equally bad to only be focused on the ‘choice-outcome’ paradigm because you would be ignoring all the signals and be oblivious to all the experiences that day-to-day life offers to enhance your wisdom and your ability to adapt to a changing environment and most importantly, act on it. This is about all focus on direction with little action.

You don’t see it yet doesn’t mean it won’t come around. What you sow is what you reap. Sooner, or later!

Tip of the day - Should you curb your emotions?

It is important to feel every emotion when different situations evoke them. Emotions are the triggers for action. Not having emotions would render you inactive, much like a vegetable. In fact, emotions are the all important vehicles and tools that help you understand yourself. Emotions are the only tangible and measurable manifestations of your disposition towards yourself and the environment before the action occurs and hence, hugely significant.

The idea of curbing your emotions is a misnomer. The intent of that idea is that you ought not to convey or transmit the emotions as you feel them, to your environment. That would be reaction. Instead, it is highly effective to respond to situations, events and occurrences by dwelling in your emotions and analyzing them. This way the action would be a response.

The biggest difference between reaction and response, in my dictionary, is the fact that you have internalized and dwelt on the situation and the emotion it evoked and externalized the action only afterward.

Another important element of dealing with emotions is to cultivate the ability to feel them. It is the difference between ‘I am angry’, ‘I am sad’, ‘I am happy’ and ‘I feel angry’, ‘I feel sad’, ‘I feel happy’! In the former, the emotions rule you and in the latter you rule your emotions.

Tidbits – Knowledge

It is appalling to see the distorted view of knowledge that the world has come to believe in. Knowledge, unfortunately, is beginning to be likened to the understanding of where the information, regarding what you want to know, resides. You could anyway wiki and google the stuff as long as some literature on the same is available on the web!

Fortunately (or unfortunately) though, knowledge does not exist unless it can be applied. And it can be applied only if the subject in question is understood. The subject can only be understood when the information about it is interpreted. In the absence of all this, it is only information.

To elucidate the point, it amuses me to hear the term or phrase, knowledge repository. You can have an information repository, not a knowledge repository. Even if it is information on how something works or the proof of a hypothesis or a working instruction or a procedure or even a ‘how to do’ list, it still is only information till it is interpreted, understood and ready for application.

You also come across knowledge management frameworks anywhere and everywhere. And what is masqueraded is, in fact, an information management framework in the guise of knowledge management. Apply the simple qualifiers of the previous two paragraphs to what is really being managed and the truth is revealed!!

Tip of the day – Beware of where you share…

Be wary of sharing your philosophies with folks you built them on.

Tip of the day...

Stop working if you want to produce more!

If you are so engrossed in working through transactions all day, day in and day out, weeks on end, year after year, that the work you do governs and manages you and your time than the other way round, stop working right now!

Take a step back and reflect on what your work is intended to produce and what it produces now. Challenge the premise of how the outcome is produced and question why it cannot be done any other way. You have the unique opportunity to be the first one to get a bird’s eye view of your own work and what it produces. You’d be surprised how much less work is required to accomplish the same outcome or how much more outcome you can produce with the same amount of work that you put in.

But to be able to do all that, first you must stop working!